Kids These Days

Throughout my entire life I have always been praised for my intelligence. No, seriously. My teachers (rather, the ones who weren’t out to get me) were constantly impressed by my knowledge, ability to learn and wide vocabulary. All of this obviously went to my head and I considered myself a genius, wise beyond my years (I’ll let you all finish laughing out loud). It wasn’t until recently I managed to drag my head from my ass and climb off of my high horse. I’ve realized that I’m not wise beyond my years; everyone else my age is merely far behind theirs. Yeah, I said it.

For those of you who know me or have witnessed me in a public or private setting, I’m your regular run-of-the-mill ditz. I walk into walls, say really stupid things that you’d assume would come from a movie character and laugh at things that aren’t really all that funny. Other than that though, I’m pretty average intelligence-wise for my age; I really wish I could say the same thing about the rest of my generation. Back in the good old days, the average teenager was expected to have around 25 000 words in their vocabulary (thank you, Google). Currently, it consists of grunts, colloquialisms and the odd prejudiced slur here and there to establish popularity and “coolness”. It’s beginning to get ridiculous.

I will never understand the appeal of making yourself seems less intelligent than a Neanderthal. When you say “yo g, whatchu sayin’ today”, you’re actually saying “hello there, I’m a useless delinquent and I’m never going to amount to anything”. As one could imagine, Microsoft word imploded due to that previous “sentence”. Seriously though, when you speak in such a way it does nothing good for you; it makes everybody you encounter perceive you as unintelligent and ignorant to your own language. If you’re going to say “well I don’t care about what other people think of me”, please save it. Yes you do. If you didn’t care what other people thought of you, you wouldn’t buy into the pop culture of destroying the English language.

When it really comes down to it, since the majority of teenagers have such a limited vocabulary and talk like dumbasses it makes all teenagers look like dumbasses. I know that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but the fact that so many people my age can only aspire to be as intelligent as I am is beyond pathetic. Please, I implore you; read a dictionary and expand your lexicon. Just remember, UrbanDictionary doesn’t count.

You Say Jesus is the Answer…When did I Ask a Question?

I was walking through a parking lot earlier this afternoon when I came across a minivan with several bumper stickers pasted on its bumper. Now sometimes reading these stickers can be rather entertaining when they say different things, but I found myself bored and a little aggravated that I wasted 15 seconds of my life reading them. They said things such as “Jesus is the answer” and “Jesus changed my life” and “insert slogan about Jesus being awesome here” and so forth.

In spite of the fact that I’m Atheist and I represent basically everything sinful in the Bible (boy do I ever enjoy shrimp), I really don’t have anything against religion…until it gets shoved down my throat. The majority of the world has some form of religion, be it Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Catholicism or Star Trek (please see Futurama for many ‘lulz’); many of these people who practise their religion peacefully have their reputations constantly smeared by irrational zealots who insist upon converting the world to their Book of choice. I think everyone knows exactly which people I’m talking about, the ones that take the words of their religion and twist them to the tune of their own sick beliefs (Westboro Baptist Church, need I say more?).

Religion exists for the many who practise it so they can seek comfort and love when they need it most. When a loved one dies, sometimes writing about it in your diary or telling a therapist just doesn’t cut it. When one falls on hard times, they need somebody to look to that they know is wiser than themselves; their God(s). Unfortunately, religion has been used for centuries in order to achieve personal objectives; wars have been started, people have been ostracized and murdered in cold blood and entire continents have been poisoned by twisted religions.

Now here’s my big issue with these loud-mouthed zealots. They yell and scream about how everybody but them is going to Hell and that we all must “repent” and whatnot, but the second somebody stands up to them they cry about how their right to free speech is being quashed. Excuse me, but how does that work? You tell me that because I don’t follow your beliefs I’m a lesser person than you, but I’m not allowed to refute it? Why do I have to sit in the closet quietly when you can express your beliefs freely? Our governments financially support the churches all across the world; they are exempted from taxes and they scrounge for donations. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but I don’t think God needs money. Didn’t he/she create the world? Couldn’t he/she zap a couple million dollars into their wallet whenever they need to go shopping on Cloud Nine? Furthermore, I’m pretty sure God would rather society give their money to those who need it; animal shelters, homeless shelters, third world countries, me...yeah, pretty sure there are better places for us to invest our cash.

I’m all for freedom of expression just as much as the next teenager with authority issues, but there is always a line and these sorry excuses for religious followers have not only crossed it; they pulled down their pants and relieved themselves all over it. Everybody has their own beliefs, but there is a place for them all and that is your own personal bubble; they don’t belong in my face or anyone else’s. So remember, the next time you want to tell me that Jesus is the “answer”, let me ask a damn question first.

It's my Body; I'll do What I Want!

I think Cartman said it all when he dressed up like a prostitot and went on the Maury Show; it’s my body, I’ll do what I want! Normally I wouldn’t say this considering it’s not often true, but Cartman has a damn good point. It is my body, should I not be free to do what I please (within reason) to it? According to a couple of bishops here in the cold cold North, no. Now you might be thinking, Canada is filled with pot-smoking, same-sex-marrying, communist heathens, since when do we give a flying shit about what a bishop says? Well usually we (or at least I) don’t, but it’s really the premise of the matter so entertain me for a little while.

Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff made his position known on abortion rights; he believes that abortion rights are vital to the well-being of expecting mothers and must be prominent in any plans for improving maternal health. I must say, I was pretty sceptical about Ignatieff up until this point; unfortunately, not everyone shares my opinion. Bishop Fred Henry was quoted saying that abortion had nothing to do with the health of mothers and was even so bold as to call this suggestion “pathetic”. On top of that, Archbishop Thomas Collins said that contraception and abortion both impact society negatively (how that is even close to logical I’ll never know).

I’m proud to say that in my country I can exercise the right to get an abortion if I deem it fit. Considering women didn’t always have this right (nor many rights at all for that matter) and still don’t in many countries world wide, I’ll be damned if anybody tries to take that away from me. This isn’t to say that I believe in using abortion as a form of birth control, nor is it to say that I’ll ever necessarily take advantage of this right. The only thing that matters is that if I need it, it’s at my disposal to use.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Canada separate religion from its government for the most part a long time ago? If this is the case then there’s no reason to worry, but it really burns my toast that these bishops think they have more authority than the government. Granted, Stephen Harper is sort of useless and his Lego-man hair makes it difficult to take him seriously, but as much as I hate to admit it he has more power than mere mortals; yes, that includes bishops. I don’t think Harper will ever have the ‘nads to compromise abortion rights, but he better hope it stays that way. It’s my body and not only will I do what I want with it, but I’ll fight you tooth and nail to make sure it stays that way. Disagree? Screw you, guys.

Time

When I go about my life, there always seems to be one thing that holds me back. There’s too much of it, not enough of it and I can never seem to manage it; time. Time, time, time, time, time. It is the controller of one’s decisions and actions and we must all use it carefully and wisely, since we never know when it could run out. Time is unforgiving and places restrictions on our dreams and changes our perception on how we view the world. Time…simply put, it’s a son of a bitch.

There once was a point in my life in which I was content with the time I had and how I would utilize it…that is, as content as one can be with their biological clock slowly ticking away. I had everything figured out; what I was going to do, when I was going to do it and how I would manage to get there. Of course the “what” changed from time to time, but the basic premise always managed to stay the same. And then I began to hear a few nattering voices in my ear, taking my carefully thought out plans and stomping all over them.

I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Whether it’s a friend, family member or some other form of influence in your life, there is always that person or two who tries to take control of your life and the things in it. I won’t name the people in my life who do this, but those who know me (and sometimes those who don’t) have heard me complain incessantly about these people on a regular basis. It’s almost as if they think I’m incapable of managing my own time. Everything must be done immediately; there is no wiggle room…no room to breathe. Thinking of stopping and smelling the roses? Forget it, they’re not that special anyways. Do not stop to think, do not look at the scenery, do not pass Go and don’t even think of collecting $200.

I understand that we all have an expiry date. I won’t be here forever (at least not until scientists perfect cryogenics), I am well aware that spending my time wisely and efficiently is important; but shouldn’t one take the path they see fit? If I trip over a rock here and there or step in shit, is that not my problem? Nobody knows when their time will be up, but rushing through life doesn’t change the outcome. We all reach the end of the road at some point and personally, I’d like to take my own sweet ass time getting there.

I Don't Believe in Fairies: What it's Like Growing up Bisexual

As a child, Disney’s Hook was one of my favourite movies. When Peter Panning first meets Tinkerbell, he refuses to believe that fairies are real. For those of you who don’t know, every time somebody says that they don’t believe in fairies, one dies. I always laughed at that part. It wasn’t until a little later in my life that I could truly empathize with how Tink and her fellow fairies felt.

I can’t say that I always knew I was different, but I figured myself out earlier than most. I knew what I was before I knew the word “bisexual”, but I acknowledged my sexual orientation at the age of 12. As a child with an extreme case of synaptic exuberance, I came up with the bright idea to come out of the closet. The result? Well, let me put it this way; fairies have wings to escape unfortunate circumstances, I was 4’9 with the stubby legs to match.

As you might imagine, this experience sent me high-tailing it for the warm, dark closet until the ripe old age of 14 when I didn’t quite give a damn about the opinions of others. I dealt with different variations of harassment, ranging from carving heterosexist slurs in my locker to a full-out physical assault. People tossed their words in my direction and I brushed them off the best that I could, but one particular set of words cut into me like shards of glass; bisexuality doesn’t exist, you’re either gay or you’re not so make a choice.

In spite of the fact that it’s not the most offensive sentence in the world, it did quite a number on my pathetic teenage self-esteem. It obviously hurts to hear the common misconceptions about bisexuals such as “all bisexuals are promiscuous”, but this definitely took the proverbial cake on the scale of emotional pain. Many people hold certain preconceived notions about bisexuals which make it difficult for us to live comfortably in society.

Bisexuals are kind of in the centre area where they are unwanted by everyone. Heterosexual people don’t want to be with us in fear of us leaving them for the same sex; because of this, one would assume that they could find comfort within the GLBTQ community. For the most part this is true, but there are many gay people who mirror the feelings of some heterosexuals; they want nothing to do with us because they don’t want us to leave them for the opposite sex. When I first came to this realization, I was confused and angry. I expected to encounter solace and acceptance in the arms of those who understand what it’s like to be discriminated against, but I was met with the same adversity.

Every time somebody says “I don’t believe in fairies”, a fairy dies. Every time somebody says “bisexuals don’t exist” it’s not like one dies, but it’s definitely a huge kick in the teeth. We may not have wings (in spite of how convenient they would be) or die when you deny our existence, but we have feelings. I have feelings. I did not choose to be bisexual; it’s not like I woke up one morning and said “hey, how great would it be to be considered a whore and not get taken seriously by anybody?” I don’t think anybody would choose to be discriminated against. So throw away your biases, open your hearts and minds…and please, believe in the real life fairies of society. We could certainly use it.